Friday, March 30, 2012

Boyfriend and Popcorn and Spoons, Oh My!


YAY it’s Friday!! Unfortunately I’m not having my normal Friday date, because Boyfriend is taking his kids to the Grand Canyon for a week. Remember my fears when Boyfriend went on a business trip? I have a feeling I’m going to be having some more of those this week.

Last weekend Awhile ago, Boyfriend and I decided to make some popcorn and watch a movie. And I somehow convinced him (because he likes to humor me) to try my eating-popcorn-with-a-spoon method. Don’t believe me? Look:

Red is his. 
It went kind of like this:




Don’t believe me? Well, Boyfriend agreed to be interviewed about it! As usual, my comments are in red.

1. Did you REALLY try a popcorn spoon?
 Yes, I really did try to eat popcorn with a stupid spoon.  "Try" being the operative word. [I told you guys!!]

2. Why'd you try it?
Gia said it was cool and I'll try anything once.  50% off sushi, dirty manchez, Glee.... [UH. You’re kidding about the dirty manchez honey…right? RIGHT?!]

3. On a scale of 1 to 10, one being awesome and ten being OMGSUPERAMAZINGAWESOME, how do you rate it?

Eating popcorn with a spoon is, how can I say this delicately..... fucking ridiculous!  One of the most fruitless, annoying things I've ever done.  And that counts trying to pleasure Gia with a ping-pong paddle. [That didn’t happen.]  I love trying to scoop one kernel at a time into my mouth.  So satisfying! [It lasts longer that way!]

4. What did you think of it?
You're kidding, right?

5. It couldn't have been that bad, right?
Remember the Sucker Punch incident?  It was up there, except for the blood.  I'd rather watch "Midnight in Paris" and "Horrible Bosses," back to back. [Exaggerator.]

6. I thought you said Gia was smart. How did she come up with such a bad idea?

I was wrong.  She's a moron.  How about you lay off the goopy fake butter and just reach your hand (with the nifty opposable thumbs that were hard won over millions of year of evolution) into the freakin' bowl and then shovel it into your mouth?  Hmmm?  How about we save the spoon for soup or applesauce?  Now, good day, Sir! [What I’m hearing is, we need bigger spoons. Got it.]

Needless to say, Boyfriend won’t be trying that again anytime soon… Anyone else try it? How’d it go?

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Bad Poetry Thursday: An Ode to Wine


I like bad poetry. I’m thinking of bringing it back as a recurring feature on the blog. I already covered Boyfriend and an Ode to a Burrito, so now we’re tackling another of my favorites: wine.


An Ode to Wine

Oh, wine wine wine wine
You’re so fine fine fine fine
Your hangovers are vicious
But you taste so delicious
You’re the yummiest drink of mine (mine mine mine).

Was I drunk when I wrote this? Surpringsly, no. Did I want to be? Unsurprisingly, yes.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

That Wine Thing...


Imaginary reader: So, how’s that one glass of wine a night thing going for you?
Great! Thanks for asking!

Imaginary Reader: Really?
Yep. Moderate drinking, here I come!

Imaginary reader: Really really?!?
Yes. Sheesh!

Imaginary reader: You’re lying. I have evidence.
Um, what are you talking about?!?

Imaginary reader: How do you explain THIS PICTURE:

The bad thing is,  this really isn't that much of an exaggeration.

Fuck.

Imaginary reader: Yeah.
I like wine, okay? Boyfriend and I went down to seaside town and I drank and ton and ate even more.

Imaginary reader: Don’t blame Boyfriend for your lack of control.
He made bread with cheese on it. And bought me wine.

Imaginary reader: Ooo, that sounds good.
I know right??

Imaginary reader: Wait! Not the point! You’re terrible at cutting back on wine!
I know. I’ll do better next week.

Imaginary reader: Really?
Dunno. Maybe.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Things that are Not Okay: Trayvon Martin


Hi guys. As you know, I rarely post about news or serious things. But even though this news story is a bit old, I've been following it for weeks and I want to talk about it. It’s important.

So, let’s have a discussion with myself.


Well, in a nutshell, a 17 year old African American boy named Trayvon Martin was walking to a family member’s home when he was shot and killed by George Zimmerman, self-appointed “neighborhood watch leader.”
Zimmerman claims it was “self defense.”


No, Trayvon was carrying some skittles and a drink from a convenience store.


No. In fact, Zimmerman saw Trayvon while he was still in his car.  He called 911 and the dispatcher told him to stay in his car. He got out and approached Trayvon instead.


Not really, no. Trayvon called his girlfriend and said a guy was following him.  Zimmerman had about 100 pounds on him, so Trayvon was probably intimidated. His girlfriend said that she told Trayvon to run, but he said he was going to walk fast. No one knows exactly what happened after that. 

But even if Trayvon got scared and attacked Zimmerman (unarmed), Zimmerman was the one who got out of the car and approached him. Thus, Zimmerman was the aggressor in this situation - Florida's "Stand Your Ground" laws protect the victim, not the aggressor. Zimmerman cannot follow someone home, get out of his car, approach him, shoot and kill him (whether or not it was during an altercation), and claim it was self defense.

Yes. Just minding his own business.

Yes.


Yes.

I know.


I am too. Do you want to know what’s worse?

The police fucked up the investigation. Zimmerman hasn’t been charged with Trayvon’s killing yet.

Yeah. They didn’t administer any kind of drug/alcohol test to Zimmerman. They didn’t interview Trayvon’s girlfriend right away. They didn’t catch a racial slur on the 911 tape. One report claims they “corrected” a  witness who heard someone yell “Help, help.”

Did I mention that Trayvon was black? I think they assumed he was guilty. Or it would go away quietly.

That’s how I feel. Zimmerman has a prior record (Trayvon doesn’t), and was known for calling the police about (black) kids in the area.
I agree.

It’s awful.

Well, real people can sign this petition. I mean, it’s clear that the case is being investigated now, but it’s still important for people to go “Hey, this isn’t okay.”
I know.

Me too. We can be funny again tomorrow.

Friday, March 23, 2012

POP QUIZ: Boyfriend or Burrito?


So, I was planning on updating everyone on the March Madness standings today. BUT as I learned after Wednesday, very few of my readers actually know what March Madness is. #bloggerfail. I don’t want to bitch about moving right now because I’m tired of doing that even though yes, I’m still poor and will be homeless soon. So I decided to talk about two of my favorite things: Boyfriend and Burritos.

Burrito
You taste delicious
In every single way
Freshly made or heated up
You really make my day


Boyfriend

Damn youse a sexy bitch
I love it when we hang
Going out or staying in
But especially when we *redacted*
  
So, let’s play a game.
 I’m going to say something, and you can guess whether I’m talking to Boyfriend or a Burrito. Answers are below but quiz yourself ‘cuz its fun.

Questions:
1. Your cheesy goodness tastes delicious.

2. I want you inside me.

3. You’re bigger than I remember.

4. I like having wine with you.

5. Am I drunk? Yes, right?

6. Can’t wait to see you again.

7. WHY DO YOU HURT ME WHEN ALL I DO IS LOVE YOU?!?

8. Do you think I’d like your friends?

9. I want to make sweet, sweet love to you.

10. I want you again. Soon.

Answers:
1. Burrito. I started off easy.
2. Burrito! It was a curveball. Inside me =inside my belly. Remember the Thanksgiving Food Baby:

[Okay, okay. I say that to Boyfriend too.]
3. Burrito. Seriously, it’s huge remember:

4. Boyfriend. Drinking with him is fun.
5. Boyfriend. I wouldn’t ask a burrito that, what does it know?!?          
6. Boyfriend. Would I really want to see the burrito * again *? Come on. Gross.          
7. Burrito. I have acid reflux.
8. Burrito. By “friends” I mean “tacos.” I’m tempted to order the taco next time we go there.
9. Boyfriend. Did anyone really get this one wrong?!? Come on. I like burritos, but not THAT much.
10. Trick question. Both.      

Score:
0 = Aw, like my March Madness post, you probably didn’t understand the game. Sad for you.
1-3 = How much do you think I like burritos?!?!
4-6 = So you pretty much flipped a coin each time, eh?
7-9 = YAY! You’re awesome.  You win the satisfaction of knowing that. Treat yourself to a burrito.
10 = You’re a dirty liar. You did NOT get them all.
           
So tell me: how did you do?

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Random Doodles.


You ever start doodling without paying attention and seeing what you come up with? I did.

It’s a meatball on a boat. You’re welcome. 

...The weird thing is, I wasn't even drunk when I did this. But seriously, if you haven't been around in a couple of days please check out yesterday's March Madness post, or my wine post from Monday. Please.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Animals and March Madness!!


Click to make bigger, if you wanna see in all its animal glory
So, some of the animals and I decided to hold our own March Madness Bracket. The current standings are:

Allie: YES! I’m in the lead! WOOHOO!
Popsicle: This is such bullshit! She didn’t even know ANYTHING about basketball until I taught her! How is she beating me??!
Gia: Please note, I’m a respectable 2nd
Allie: NOT AS GOOD AS FIRST! WOOOOOOO!
Popsicle: …I watched all season, I read all the expert analysis…
Kitty: I’m not complaining. I’m not doing bad at this game thing. First time playing!
Popsicle: Are you kidding? Why are your picks doing so well??
Kitty: I just picked the cat-like teams.
Gia: Kitty, you know you can’t seriously pick yourself to win the whole tournament. 
Kitty: Fine, then Kentucky. WILDCATS FOREVER!!
Popsicle: This is so unfair. 
Allie: Why are you so bad at this game, honey?
Popsicle: FUCKING MISSOURI! I had them in my final four!!!
Gia: Sorry, bud. Least you’re not as bad as Ducky.
Ducky: What do the numbers by the teams mean?
Gia: They’re the seeds, Ducky.
Ducky: OHHHHHHH NOW I get it.
Gia: Really? 
Ducky: No. What are seeds?
Allie: The 1 seed is best! Right honey?
Popsicle: Yep.
Allie: So when they play a 16 seed, the 1 seed is probably going to win. Right honey?
Popsicle: Yep.
Allie: And so a 2 seed is more likely to beat a 15 seed…
Popsicle: That’s what you’d THINK. Fucking Missouri and Duke.
Allie: Whoops.
Kitty: Ducky, you’re fucking terrible at this game. 
Ducky: I know….
Kitty: But do you? I mean you picked Harvard to go to the final four. And you picked TEMPLE to win it! TEMPLE!
Ducky: I like them…
Kitty: It’s like you deliberately picked the wrong team EVERY time. I mean if you had flipped a coin you’d have a better bracket than you do right now.
Ducky: You never know! I could come back and win it!
Gia: Um, no Ducky. No, you can’t. Both of your finals teams are out, as a ¾ of your final four teams and 6 out of 8 of your elite 8 teams. 
Ducky: …is that bad?
Kitty: HAHAHHAHAH
Gia: Kitty, be nice.
Kitty: Okay okay. Ducky, I am sorry….
Ducky: Thank you-
Kitty: - THAT YOU’RE SO TERRIBLE AT THIS GAME. 
Allie: I’m number one! I’m number one!
Popsicle: groaaaaaaaan
Allie: Don’t worry babe. I’ll share my prize with you. What do I win, Gia?
Gia: Remember, you all put 5 bucks in? Winner gets the money.
Popsicle: So unfair. 
Allie: I’ll give it to you honey! So you can use it to buy me a present. That way, we both win!
Popsicle: Can’t wait. 
Kitty: It’s not over yet, Allie.
Gia: I agree with Kitty. It’s still anyone’s game.
Kitty: …except Ducky’s. 


Well, it's still early. Are you guys in any March Madness pools? How are your brackets doing?

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Drunk Lioness



Me: Hi Lioness.
Lioness: BUUUUURP
Me: Lovely.
Lioness: Fuck YOU.
Me: So you already know you missed St Patrick’s Day, I take it?
Lioness: What the FUCK is St. Patrick’s Day?
Me: Nothing, nevermind.
Lioness: Good. BUUUURP
Me: Wait, so why are you drunk?
Lioness: Why the fuck not?
Me: You’re…kind of an angry drunk.
Lioness: I’M A MOTHERFUCKING LIONESS
Me: Why are you so unhappy?
Lioness: Why is your FACE so uphappy?
Me: Sheesh, just asking.
Lioness: You’d be….unhappy too…GEE-UH. If you had to do these stupid appearances too. BURP.
Me: Why DO you have to do so many?
Lioness: HOW ELSE DO YOU PAY THE BILLS BITCH!
Me: Why do you have so many bills, Lioness?
Lioness: Because…because…
Me: …yes?
Lioness: BURRRRRP
Me: Are you gonna vom?
Lioness: No! Fuck you. Shut up. Because…because…
Me: …
Lioness: I HAVE A GAMBLING PROBLEM. 
Me: Seriously?
Lioness: FUCK YOU!
Me: I’m sorry Lioness. 
Lioness: And your fucking tweets about marmadness aren’t helping!
Me: March Madness?
Lioness: I WANNA PLAAAAAAAAY.
Me: That’s not a good idea, Lioness.
Lioness: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Me: I’m sorry. Do you want a hug? I'll make an exception to my rule...
Lioness: Touch me and I will eat you.
Me: I was just asking!
Lioness: I need some iccream.  
Me: I have some. C’mon, let’s go get it. 
Lioness: Oooo actually I know what I’m craving. Fresh rabbit!
Me: Um...I don’t have that.
Lioness: Fuck – BURP- you.

Welll...this kind of explains a lot.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Sigh, Wine Drinking. It’s Kind of Like a New Year’s Resolution. Even though it’s March.

[Linking up with yeahwrite!]

So, I’ve recently decided that – gasp – I want to cut back on my wine drinking, at least temporarily. For awhile, I was drinking about a glass of wine a night and getting a good buzz on and all was well. Then, as my tolerance increased, I slowly started drinking a bit more each night. A few weeks ago I realized I was easily putting away at least 3 glasses a night to get the same buzz, which is more than half a bottle. That’s when I was like:

I then decided that I’m going to cut down my drinking to only ONE glass of wine a night (with one weekend day of excessive drinking allowed). Why, you ask?

1. Money. 

I buy cheap wine. (Hi, Sutter Home. I love you.) But even so, if I drink ¾ of a bottle a night, it adds up. That means in a week, I could go through what, 5 bottles-ish? Let’s say all the wine I buy is between 5-10 bucks…with tax, it probably comes out to about $50 week on booze. That’s $200/month. Um, have you met me? That’s more than I spend on FOOD in a month. Perhaps you’ve seen me complain about apartment hunting, or my inability to afford a cat. I clearly can NOT spend that much on booze a month. 

If I cut down to one glass a night, I’m only going through 2 (well, maybe a bit more than two if you take my cheat night into account) bottles a week. Much more manageable. 

2. Calories. 


Unfortunately, wine has calories, y'all.  About 100 calories/glass (I know it varies, but let’s just go with that number). I don’t drink many other calorie filled drinks like sodas or juices, so ONE glass of wine doesn’t bother me too much.

However, if I’m drinking three glasses a night, that’s 300 calories! It’s practically another meal.  Plus there’s the whole “drunk eating” aspect you can take into account too…. (you know, the more you drink, the more likely you are to pig out).
Don't act like you guys don't do this.
3. Alcoholism

Remember my “World’s Best Girlfriend” New Year’s resolution work

Well, I don’t think the World’s Best Girlfriend is a raging alcoholic. Sure, I think Boyfriend secretly (or openly) likes it when I drink a lot and then pass out so then he can go to bed early like he wants to or try to sneak out and go home without me hearing, but still. He probably wouldn’t like it if I was always like this:

Um, yeah. I don’t become a hysterical drunk or anything, but still. Slightly less rational perhaps. 

SO. Not only am I saving calories/money by temporarily drinking less, but my goal is to get my tolerance level back down to a “lightweight” area, thus saving more calories/money to get a nice little buzz on. 

I’ve been doing it for like a week now, and was pretty proud of myself. Until I hung out with Boyfriend. 






In case you're wondering, this wasn't Boyfriend's idea or suggestion.
He's just trying to keep me honest.



Well, damnit. A fatal flaw in my plan. I feel like anything that fits in a standard wine glass is one glass. Am I wrong? Maybe don’t answer that.